I went home and penned this: "The main emotion I felt today was frustration and I felt it toward myself. But I know that today's irritability and mirror mumblings of "hey self, get your ish together" have served a larger purpose and that is this: Moving forward, I will work harder towards organization and structure in certain areas and vow not to beat myself up over a few "stray hairs," because self appreciation is what catapults us into the future ... not the belief that we aren't good enough."I had planned to blog about it that night but I somehow felt that I shouldn't because I felt that this story wasn't finished, and THAT made me want to cry even more. Instead, I made a to-do list for Saturday (in an effort to stitch this life together) and set out for a night under the stars in Odenville, Alabama with soup and a movie and a really lovely group of friends.
I cooked, we ate, we saw stars, we movie watched and then I drove home. I had been in bad need of that sort of chill around other people. Blue jeans and cowboy boots and giant sweatshirts and people who don't give a rip about what you look like, they just want you around. A lot of people in my life are this way, not just this group, but something about this place and these people soothed my spirit in a way that it otherwise was in unrest. I left that night and made the thirty minute drive home and discussed with myself what it was that was really going on in this heart.
Expectation.
My own expectations based on the expectation of others. For example: sometimes, I really want to leave my dogs in the backyard because they make EVERY STEP I MAKE while they're inside and I can't get anything done. But I don't because I'm afraid the lady next door (who is really kind and keeps them for me for free when I am out of town) will judge me for "leaving those poor babies on the porch." I have reason to think that she would judge me for something like this because this is the same lady who called one night to ask if my dogs could just go ahead and live at her house. Don't worry, I put as much distance as possible between us at that point without ruining the relationship. I don't mean to be ugly about her, she's just home a lot and she's like the lady on Bewitched who stares through the blinds to see what's going on in the neighborhood. It's stressful thinking that your every move is being watched. I did, however, leave both dogs outside when I left the house several times this weekend and it was so nice to come home to a serene home where a giant lab wasn't busting down the door as soon as you walk in and the dingo in the crate in the corner wasn't barking and clawing to get out. I love them more than anything, but I feel about them the same way Carrie felt about Aiden living with her ... I just need my time when I first get home to gather my thoughts and finish the unfinished business from the day. It's just how my brain works. I'm not sorry about it and I've decided that I have to operate in ways that are conducive to a healthy life for Ryn, not the lady next door.
The more I thought about how rough Friday was, the more strange it became to me that I received the most wonderful complements from business partners and management leaders this week. People who I imagine to always have it together on a level I could never get to, reached out to me throughout the week to tell me how talented and well respected and highly thought of I was. "Who in the world are they looking at?," I thought to myself. "What do they see that I don't see?" People who I only WISH I could be as regimented as are the very same people who write texts of encouragement to me talking about how they think I'm such a "natural" and that they're so glad I am on their team. I wish I saw what they were so impressed with, I wish I could see me through their eyes of grace. But last Friday, my eyes were eyes of judgement and belittlement. I am so thankful that these wonderful people saw fit to grab hold of the wonderful things that they saw in me and tell me stories about what they see in me. Still in my mind all I'm doing is being Ryn and doing my job the best way that I know how. There will never be a day that I don't give this job 110% of myself because it's my passion to tell physicians about the amazing changes in medicine so that patients all over this little part of our giant world can experience the life change that comes along with it. The opportunity to impact lives is vast in my career, why would I EVER take that for granted?
Saturday was very productive and I give all the glory to the to-do list I created Friday night before I went on my little country outing. I crossed off all the things on my list and felt more productive that I have in a while. I really don't know why I haven't felt productive, I saw 15 doctors on Friday. That's a lot of dang doctors. I got everything done that I needed to do and still somehow managed to go to a movie and then out with friends later in the evening. Saturday felt good, but I was still beating myself up for some strange reason and I couldn't wrap my brain around it. I needed liberation from my own self-doubt.
And then Sunday, lovely Sunday. I woke up in just enough time to make make-up and straighteners happen, threw on my boots, jeans, and a cute shirt and jacket and made the little drive to Church of the Highlands to meet my lovely friend and business partner. The series is "At the Movies" and today's movie was an edited version of "Captain Phillips." It was a real depiction of the enemy and the war he wages against our hearts and of what we can overcome because "We aren't fighting for victory, we are fighting FROM A PLACE OF victory." What a difference that makes. We were reminded this morning that the enemy is real and he's a giant jerk and he wants us as unhappy as he is and he fights tooth and nail what he doesn't like. There are some big things happening in my life right now and it wasn't until this morning that I realized that my spirit has been under attack this entire time. But think about that scheme ... he knows the opportunities at stake and he might even know what might happen if they come to fruition and since he can't really fight anything about the situation, why not attack the only thing that could really make this opportunity come to life in a very real way, my spirit? It was like the blind fold was lifted and I could see him for the ugly monster that he is and all the power in heaven was in me to press against him until he was completely out of the room. I opened my hands in prayer and as the pastor prayed over us, a warm pressure filled the palms of my hands so much so that I couldn't close them. It was surreal and so real at the same time. What a reminder that when our hearts are focused on the One who has already overcome, every battle we face against the evil schemes of the enemy can be easily won. And the more I thought about it the more I realized that He's been in my court this whole time, I just haven't been in His. My focus has been on things that I need to get better at and what I need to do to move forward, instead of consulting with the One who already holds my future in the palms of His hands.
Today was a beautiful day of liberation and it holds so much promise for the days ahead. What I hope you get from reading this is that other people deal with the same mirror mumblings as you and that the enemy attacks everyone, not just you. You aren't alone in the physical world, but you're also not only "not alone" in the spiritual world ... but moreover, you're cradled in the arms of a loving father who wants more than anything for you to succeed with all the gifts that He has bestowed upon you. He wants you to know that the weapon He offers against the nastiness of the enemy is really the only one that will ever be able to erode away at the devil's power. I want you to know that when it's time to rest in His goodness, you're allowed to. But when it comes time to suit up in the armor of the almighty, it's available to you and nothing can penetrate it. You are a loved person created with a purpose and I hope you leave this blog with the inspiration to overcome and I hope you stand strong in the knowledge that you are never alone.
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