What perplexes me is the fact that I've known about this piece of magic that would alleviate such a constant annoyance and source of pain for two whole months. I've known exactly where it is and I've known exactly how much it was. Neither the location or the price hindered me from going to get it. So what was it that kept me from doing this for myself? Stubbornness. I wanted to prove to myself that I didn't need a bag that rolled or assisted me in any way. I'm a big girl. I could deal.
And then today, after one of the most productive days I've had in a long time, I folded. Like a perfectly creased napkin, I folded ... like it was my job. I was in so much pain and it hit me like a ton of bricks that I couldn't keep going like I had been. (Let me pause to also announce that I have a subluxation degeneration in my spine. Just so the masses know that I'm not a total wimp.) I took myself to the store and spent the thirty bucks on my ever so lovely and light weight new office companion.
I'm thankful today for this perspective. We carry around a ton of unnecessary junk in our hearts and on our minds that weigh us down and hinder us from being at the top of our game. It's unnecessary for us to carry all of this around because we've not just been offered a place to leave it for the time being, we've been INVITED to GIVE our problems and struggles to Him permanently. That's a love that I can't really wrap my brain around. It doesn't make sense. But then again, love that looks past faults, forgives wrongdoings and wipes slates clean when the most horrendous things have been committed towards Him ... none of it makes much sense. Luckily He doesn't ask us to figure Him out, He just asks us to let go.
Because there's a God that made all the things. And the same big God that made all the things is concerned with the nature of your spirit and wants you to know that you are loved beyond measure. In so many ways, He has shown this desire throughout history. He pleads with us to lay things at His feet and to trust in His ability, yet we struggle with that. We have this notion in our brains that we somehow "know better" than He does. And to put it bluntly, that's mighty arrogant of us; to think that we can figure things out in a more efficient manner than the dude who breathed it all into existence. I'm not in the business of belittling the struggle that we have letting go, but I do think this perspective is important in the grand scheme of things.
Eventually you're going to feel like you can't take another step. You'll feel as if a certain muscle group or cluster of neurons will simply cease to function. You'll want to cry and scream and beat your head against the wall but the energy wont be there. And even then, in the midst of your exhaustion, your maker will beckon you to rest in His arms. It's at this point that we seem ready to let Him in front of the wheel, when we could've done it months before. But God doesn't want you to feel judged or like less of a person because you had some issue with letting Him take over. He just wants you to know that He's there and He's love and He's capable and that you're His priority. Just let Him carry the load and don't ever ask for it back.
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