"That's not what forgiveness looks like."

Tonight I had a breakthrough. Tonight, I was pulled out of my comfort zone. I loathed the process but loved the result. Imagine finally facing one of the things in life that frightens you the most, approaching it head on even though the heart created to sustain you felt as though it were about to crush you from the inside out, and conquering it in absolutely the most awkward fashion that you could. That's how I felt. I was in the arena of fear and I was about to risk being seen, but I knew I was risking it because preserving my heart is an opportunity and responsibility that I have to honor the incredible worthiness and chosen identity gifted to me by my creator. He has the last word ultimately, but it's my job while I'm here to guard the heart that beats inside the walls of that soul, and I'm proud of myself for being incredibly and awkwardly vulnerable tonight and that I risked soul-care over who might or might not stick around or speak harsh words of retaliation over my life and into my heart. 

The valiant feat my heart faced down in the arena tonight?

 I told someone that they had hurt my feelings. 

That's all. Not, "I told someone that they had hurt my feelings and subsequently engaged in a fencing match with them."

I just told them that they had hurt my feelings.

... And then I had to let the awkward silence be the awkward silence that it so needed to be. So there I stood, with one eye open and my head slightly tucked down so as to duck underneath the "Well if you hadn't done such and such I wouldn't have had to do the thing that hurt your feelings," phrase that I knew would be headed my way based solely on my past ... not at all based on their heart. 

But none of that came. So my awkwardness increased to new heights as I started trying to scramble around inside my psyche to find just enough memories of the past to make sense of why I act this way. 

"I'm so sorry," he said. "I never meant to hurt your feelings."

 ... Who is he? And what did he do with my memories of things like this happening? Is this legit? Jesus, help me because I am an absolute mess right now. I don't even know how to look or sound like a human right now and I'm having to look someone in the eye in one of the most vulnerable states I've ever been in around him and I could swear I have on an entire clown outfit that would mock me as soon as I looked at myself in a mirror. ... He's sorry? He never meant to hurt my feelings? ... So he doesn't feel like he needs to defend his decision or make me feel like I'm 'less than' because I've called him out on something he did that hurt me? He's just going to stop what he's doing, sit down so that he's  able to actually talk to me, and own it like a man? 

Well, yes. But that wasn't all he was going to do. 

The conversation went back and forth gently for a minute and I can't remember the specifics. The thing he had done to hurt my feelings occurred almost a week ago and for a week I've been ashamed of myself and my people pleasing tendencies that I didn't speak up on behalf of my heart. He asked me about that and I started trying to verbally make sense of it which really just looked like me reverting back to self blame ... and I hadn't even realized it. "That's not what forgiveness looks like," said Joe. His words will echo through my spirit for as long as I'm of sound mind. It fell out of his mouth just like he was breathing in and out, like it was casual to him, nothing profound ... but "profound" just isn't a pretty enough adjective to describe that quote. How true is it that we spend so much time berating ourselves over things that we are far too afraid to let the people in the arena see? And how true is it that when we sit with Jesus for long enough, it gets easier by the day to notice Jesus in other people and that its an indicator for so many things? So if both of those are true, filling our arenas with those empowered by the love of Jesus can happen by default, yes? That's not to say that we can't invite those who aren't lovers of the Lord into our life, but maybe the one's invited into the sacred arena where lovely things and hard things and broken things happen should be those who have indicated a true heart for Jesus because those will be the ones who aren't the source of their own love but who have an unending supply to tap into when they need it. 

I was face down in the mud and mire of the arena floor, feeling like I was being scoffed at by the onlookers, when the only onlooker in my arena picked my chin up out of the dirt and reminded me that I was clean. "You are not a product of your circumstances." ... "Do you forgive me?"

Yes. Times a bazillion. 

My favorite part of this story unfolded five minutes before I actually let words spew out of my mouth. He knew I was upset about something and I couldn't say it, but he wouldn't leave it there. He all but calmly but sternly said, "What's wrong?" And then I started doing the thing I do best in situations when I'm feeling pressured emotionally to do something I don't want to do, which is stare aimlessly off into space jumping into my thoughts because they're a safer place than my feelings in that moment. He asked me about that once. "Will you please look at me in the eyes? What are you looking at?" As if to say, "I'm here, like it or not."

Tonight, he pointed me back to Christ and all the while he was dressed in grace's clothing. What happened tonight may not seem like a big deal to a lot of you, but for me it was a monumental breakthrough and one I'll have to work to cultivate. He SAW me in my anguish and because of the nature of grace, he refused to leave me there. He answered me with sincerity and time and truth. He didn't point a finger and say to me, "Well if you hadn't done such and such, maybe there would've been a different story." He went gracefully before me and accepted that his actions had hurt my heart and promised that it wasn't intended, and because I know him I know that to be true. 

He represented Jesus beautifully tonight, and because he extended grace I was able to muster bravery. Next time maybe this will be somewhat easier. Because let's face it, there'll always be a next time. But praise Jesus, there will ALWAYS be 

grace.