"That's not what forgiveness looks like."

Tonight I had a breakthrough. Tonight, I was pulled out of my comfort zone. I loathed the process but loved the result. Imagine finally facing one of the things in life that frightens you the most, approaching it head on even though the heart created to sustain you felt as though it were about to crush you from the inside out, and conquering it in absolutely the most awkward fashion that you could. That's how I felt. I was in the arena of fear and I was about to risk being seen, but I knew I was risking it because preserving my heart is an opportunity and responsibility that I have to honor the incredible worthiness and chosen identity gifted to me by my creator. He has the last word ultimately, but it's my job while I'm here to guard the heart that beats inside the walls of that soul, and I'm proud of myself for being incredibly and awkwardly vulnerable tonight and that I risked soul-care over who might or might not stick around or speak harsh words of retaliation over my life and into my heart. 

The valiant feat my heart faced down in the arena tonight?

 I told someone that they had hurt my feelings. 

That's all. Not, "I told someone that they had hurt my feelings and subsequently engaged in a fencing match with them."

I just told them that they had hurt my feelings.

... And then I had to let the awkward silence be the awkward silence that it so needed to be. So there I stood, with one eye open and my head slightly tucked down so as to duck underneath the "Well if you hadn't done such and such I wouldn't have had to do the thing that hurt your feelings," phrase that I knew would be headed my way based solely on my past ... not at all based on their heart. 

But none of that came. So my awkwardness increased to new heights as I started trying to scramble around inside my psyche to find just enough memories of the past to make sense of why I act this way. 

"I'm so sorry," he said. "I never meant to hurt your feelings."

 ... Who is he? And what did he do with my memories of things like this happening? Is this legit? Jesus, help me because I am an absolute mess right now. I don't even know how to look or sound like a human right now and I'm having to look someone in the eye in one of the most vulnerable states I've ever been in around him and I could swear I have on an entire clown outfit that would mock me as soon as I looked at myself in a mirror. ... He's sorry? He never meant to hurt my feelings? ... So he doesn't feel like he needs to defend his decision or make me feel like I'm 'less than' because I've called him out on something he did that hurt me? He's just going to stop what he's doing, sit down so that he's  able to actually talk to me, and own it like a man? 

Well, yes. But that wasn't all he was going to do. 

The conversation went back and forth gently for a minute and I can't remember the specifics. The thing he had done to hurt my feelings occurred almost a week ago and for a week I've been ashamed of myself and my people pleasing tendencies that I didn't speak up on behalf of my heart. He asked me about that and I started trying to verbally make sense of it which really just looked like me reverting back to self blame ... and I hadn't even realized it. "That's not what forgiveness looks like," said Joe. His words will echo through my spirit for as long as I'm of sound mind. It fell out of his mouth just like he was breathing in and out, like it was casual to him, nothing profound ... but "profound" just isn't a pretty enough adjective to describe that quote. How true is it that we spend so much time berating ourselves over things that we are far too afraid to let the people in the arena see? And how true is it that when we sit with Jesus for long enough, it gets easier by the day to notice Jesus in other people and that its an indicator for so many things? So if both of those are true, filling our arenas with those empowered by the love of Jesus can happen by default, yes? That's not to say that we can't invite those who aren't lovers of the Lord into our life, but maybe the one's invited into the sacred arena where lovely things and hard things and broken things happen should be those who have indicated a true heart for Jesus because those will be the ones who aren't the source of their own love but who have an unending supply to tap into when they need it. 

I was face down in the mud and mire of the arena floor, feeling like I was being scoffed at by the onlookers, when the only onlooker in my arena picked my chin up out of the dirt and reminded me that I was clean. "You are not a product of your circumstances." ... "Do you forgive me?"

Yes. Times a bazillion. 

My favorite part of this story unfolded five minutes before I actually let words spew out of my mouth. He knew I was upset about something and I couldn't say it, but he wouldn't leave it there. He all but calmly but sternly said, "What's wrong?" And then I started doing the thing I do best in situations when I'm feeling pressured emotionally to do something I don't want to do, which is stare aimlessly off into space jumping into my thoughts because they're a safer place than my feelings in that moment. He asked me about that once. "Will you please look at me in the eyes? What are you looking at?" As if to say, "I'm here, like it or not."

Tonight, he pointed me back to Christ and all the while he was dressed in grace's clothing. What happened tonight may not seem like a big deal to a lot of you, but for me it was a monumental breakthrough and one I'll have to work to cultivate. He SAW me in my anguish and because of the nature of grace, he refused to leave me there. He answered me with sincerity and time and truth. He didn't point a finger and say to me, "Well if you hadn't done such and such, maybe there would've been a different story." He went gracefully before me and accepted that his actions had hurt my heart and promised that it wasn't intended, and because I know him I know that to be true. 

He represented Jesus beautifully tonight, and because he extended grace I was able to muster bravery. Next time maybe this will be somewhat easier. Because let's face it, there'll always be a next time. But praise Jesus, there will ALWAYS be 

grace. 

I find myself praying.

 For the man in the airport who offered the older man that was sitting beside me and looked lonely and hungry something to eat and was scolded by him, backing away with hands raised as if he were in full surrender. I prayed for the loneliness and hurt of the older man's heart, or whatever pain it was that filled the cracks of his person that created such a hateful response to such a love filled offer. I hope he finds softness and love. I hope his spirit finds rest from the strife that was written all over his face. I prayed for the man who so was precious to offer, that he know this rejection wasn't a reflection of him or his offer but a projection of the rejector's spirit. I prayed he knew to pray for him. I prayed he was immediately filled with peace knowing he hadn't done anything wrong, but that going forward he'd be directed on his steps if he felt lead to offer to people in groups again ... that maybe he would offer to the group as a whole instead as to preserve the dignity of the hungry. These things are so touchy and our spirits want to judge situations like these quickly, when really we should consider the human condition and how our judgements can inspire the future of the souls impacted by need. 

Right now I'm praying for the guys beside and behind me who are waiting on the same flight to Philly who are watching NFL football on their phones and seem to need to have a play by play across the back of the station wagon-like adjoining seats about how many men are on the field for the Giants. FOR THE LOVE. ?.. Just as I finished the sentence they stopped talking. Jesus hears our prayers, people. 

The older man just asked me so sweetly to watch his bag as he walked to the restroom. I smiled at him and he looked as though it was the first smile he had seen all day. The sweetest eyes, y'all. Oh, I melted. A feeble thank you and he was gone. I love him. I hope I get to know him more before I get to Philly. 

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Fast forward to Philly and here I sit waiting to board flight number two writing about how God answered my prayer about getting to know the precious man I'd been praying for. I DID get to know him right before I boarded my (tiny) little plane to Philly, and oh my stars that man warmed my heart all the way to the moon. He had flown down to Georgia for his granddaughter's bat mitzvah in Columbus (which he said was a long boring drive away from Atlanta, and I agreed.) He was headed back to Philly with, get this, the crowd behind him who had been offering him food earlier! They were his family! Or so it seemed. At least they were all traveling in tow with one another. When we parted ways he left me with the sweetest smile and the most sincere, "I wish you all the best in the world." I returned both and walked to the line with tears in my eyes and praise in my heart, thanking God for answering yes to that tiny little prayer. 

I had been completely wrong about the entire first situation, but I wouldn't change a single thing about the attention I paid to that situation. What I realized, though, is that God deals in specificity and doesn't expect us to when we're praying for strangers. There was still something unsettled in the interaction that I witnessed that needed His attention and He knew better than I did what exactly that was. His allowing me to get to know what sweet man was His gift to me to let me know that He still knows better than I do. 

The flight to Philadelphia was the cloudiest flight ever and they told us to expect massive amounts of turbulence. I was terrified. I listened to Hillsong's "Touch the Sky" the entire flight and prayed for steady hands and a smooth flight. We hit barely any turbulence ascending or descending. It was the most beautiful flight, and as we were on our final descent into Philadehia I looked for as far as the eye could see and not a single tree was the same color and it was amazing. I wasn't even sad that I couldn't see the city. 

Boarding for Newark now. Wings up. Prayers up. 

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Thanks, American Airlines, for scaring me half to death by flying me on the tiniest plane in the sky I'M SURE. And thank you LORD JESUS IN HEAVEN ABOVE for sitting me beside the sweetest angel who entertained my need for constant conversation to deal with the whole situation even though she had been on flights all day coming come from Dublin. She was a New Yorker and her name was Caroline and I loved her. Through conversation I discovered that she once dated a guy that went to the University of Alabama and that her favorite author, Harper Lee, was also from Alabama. So she was a fan. I asked her what she did for a living and she said she was "Lawyer in Structered Finance" and instantly my brain spun out like a top that had lost track. It was almost like she had started speaking Mandarin mid-sentence. I knew the words that she was saying to me but the concept was so foreign that my brain just stopped understanding words. She lived on the Upper East Side and was carrying the most fabulous Birkin you have EVER seen. (For those of you searching google for "what is a Birkin?" ... I'll save you the search and tell you that it's fabulous, it costs dollars, it's a handbag, and then it's fabulous again.) Thank you, Caroline, for settling my fear on my first ever propeller plane ride! I pray your first day back after your trip will be jetlag-free!

After grabbing my bags at the airport, my company had a driver meet me and take me to my fabulous hotel with a room overlooking a mountain side with the most beautiful trees. (New Jersey in the fall ... Y'all ... there aren't words.) After having conversations with people and writing all day I was exhausted and wasn't really talking and the driver was trying to make small talk so figured I should talk back to him. Not knowing what his story was, I prayed for guidance. This was his first week at this job. He had recently stopped working in Baltimore because his wife had gotten sick and he stayed home with her to take care of her. Three weeks ago she passed away of breast cancer. She was his sweet heart of 25 years and he was broken-hearted. He told me he couldn't live in the house they lived in together anymore because it hurt too much and he couldn't stand to look at flowers anymore because she loved to plant flowers. I told him that I hoped he took at least one of her flowers with him when he moves. Will you pray with me that God helps him learn to love the flowers again? That he learn to someday look at flowers and remember their beautiful love? I can't imagine his pain, but I know the One who can heal it. 

------

So many people, so many emotions, so many walks of life ... one Father who can bring about insurmountable change. I love days like today when life isn't passing me by, red light by red light, and I get to notice not just people but the lives of people. Witnessing humanity brings my heart closer to the Father than ever, and not because of anything that I've done, but because I see His power in and through every single placement and provision and I stand in awe of Him. He's the only constant in my life, the only One that I know without a doubt can move mountains that I thought could never be moved. And that is why I lean into him for strength and movement in the lives of those around me. He's so good, He's pure love, grace is his grip and mercy is his party favor. Let love in. I pray you do. 

A lesson in waiting.

It was raining and it was cold and her baby was sick. I sat in my car waiting on an open gas pump and I watched her bundle her snotty nosed, sick, crying baby and run inside with him to get something that I assumed was medicinal in nature. I'm not sure what exactly she bought, but it didn't matter. She came running back to her car, sick baby still in tow, as I was fueling my car with the last few gallons it needed and I noticed her hurry. It was a frantic sort of hurry, like something was seriously not right. I contemplated going over to see if I could help but also didn't want to make an already frantic mother feel as though she LOOKED as out of control as she probably felt. So I continued fueling.

What happened next taught me a lesson in waiting, and in grace, and in speaking up. I stood there continuing to fuel my car and an angry man pulled up behind her. Now, before I continue let me paint a picture for you of what this gas station looked like. It's Christmas Eve Eve, it's 3:30 pm, and it's an industrial district ... which translates to ... it's the day before a holiday, people are just now leaving their shifts at work, and they need gas to prepare for their Christmas travels. There wasn't a single pump open at this major truck stop, but she wasn't the only person that this man could've pulled up behind which makes this lesson seem even more like it was meant for my eyes.

At this point the lady with the sick baby had already strapped her baby in his car seat and was sitting in her car, but turned around trying to help her little one who was throwing up nonstop. After the impatient man had sat in his ugly blue truck for about a minute, he got out and proceeded to slam profanity against the pavement and wave his arms around in an effort to declare his irritation to the masses. He approached her car window and banged on it as loudly as he could and startled the woman half to death. "YOU GOT YO GAS, NOW IT'S TIME FOR ME TO GET GAS. I GOTTA GET GAS TOO, YOU KNOW! (Insert profanity here.)" She tried explaining to him that her baby was sick but he wasn't having it. Grumpy ol' Blue Truck sat his little impatient rear end back in his little ugly blue truck and waited another minute before he started blaring his horn once more.

This time as he approached her vehicle with his profanity and flailing arms, a very nice man came out of nowhere and approached him as politely and sternly as he could. "Sir, I understand that you need to get gas but she is all by herself with a sick baby and she's really struggling in there. Give her a little bit more time. She doesn't want to be sitting here any more than you do." I'm so glad he was courageous enough to be the one who stepped up, because he did it with so much more grace than I would have. I wanted to put that man in his place and make him feel lowly for how he was treating her. But what the random man did was to explain the situation and diffuse the anger that had built up in the impatient one.

I learned so much just from sitting there and watching this all unfold. I learned that people are going to inevitably be in your way at the most inopportune times, but also that even the people in your way may not want to be in your way. What you view as the advantage in their position that is "ahead" of you, may look to them like disaster. Try being patient and graceful in your approach. But I also learned that the way to approach someone who isn't handling a situation the right way or maybe someone who is really making a jerk out of themselves, isn't to rise to their level of discontent ... but rather to meet them with a calm, stern, steadfast spirit that actually has the potential to smother their fire rather than kindle it.

Dearest Lovers of Loved Ones Lost,

You. Oh my, you. You are a soul that forges through the worse trenches, lost in the weeds of life that make less and less sense without whomever it is in your life that you've lost. But still, you forge. I am enamored and so humbled by your courage and your beautiful smile that you somehow seem to crack even as the weight of the world and the "what ifs" smother every breath you seem to have to fight for. I can't imagine your pain, but I wish I could wear it for you. I wish I could lift that weight off of your tired soul and allow you to float and once again feel all the beautiful things that life offers to you ... like the breeze through your hair, or the smell of wet grass, or join in on laughter with friends that really comes from somewhere deep and leaves you with real tears on your cheeks, or hear the birds conversing in the most lovely tones, or even just to feel how perfect your breath flows in and out of your mouth and that it would serve as a reminder that your life is still beautiful. I want to celebrate you and your courage and the way you meet every day with purpose when the thing you might really want to do is cry in a dark room all day. And sometimes you might cry all day in a dark room, and I want you to know that that's an okay thing too. I pray you let your soul feel whatever emotion that it needs to feel in whatever moment it needs to feel it, and I pray that you allow yourself to pull yourself to another level of grief once one passes, and that eventually grief becomes a distant memory. I want you to know that the absence of your dearest soul doesn't negate the importance of YOUR soul and it's health and happiness.

I can't do these things, but dear Soul I sure wish I could. To liberate you from your pain would be my greatest joy. Being but human, I could in no way harness the power to do such. But please know that the same creator that breathed life into you still cradles you and longs for your heart to be whole again. Have you questioned Him? Good, that means you've acknowledged His almighty power and ability to do all things. Have you cursed Him for taking your love from you? Does it make you feel like maybe you wouldn't be allowed or welcomed back into His presence? Please know this: He has never left you. You are His beautiful creation that He wants to smother in love and suspend your heavy heart in an atmosphere of hope.

Please be proactive in celebrating the life that you so loved. I pray your heart is prepared this Christmas season to be incredibly happy that beautiful memories flood to the forefront of your mind. Be happy because it means that your soul has been blessed with an incredible love, and know that even though it's duration here on earth may have seemed brief when compared to some people's "forever," that your love will live just as long and that some day when you reach the place that your love now calls home, you will be able to live out forever as you intended. But in the meantime, rest. You will find yourself exhausted in the search for normalcy, and while I applaud your seizing all opportunities to pull yourself through, I also want you to know that rest is allowed and required. Be with God and allow God to be with you ... silent ... in the same room as your maker. Because there's something really magnificent and magical about knowing you've been created for a purpose, but moreover, there's something inexplicable about resting your soul in the arms of the one who made it be and loves it so.

Sing hallelujah. Rise from your seat and sing hallelujah that you are not alone in this endeavor and that peace and hope and full life await you. Please seize it. I pray you do.

Sincerely,

Ryn

#30DaysOfThanks Days 24 - 31 .... And 12-19-2014 #PROTESTS.

 This always happens. The week of Thanksgiving descends upon my unprepared self and my blog entries slip out from under me like a rug without a pad and I wind up staring at the ceiling thinking, "How in the world do I sum all THAT up?" But oh my goodness, Y'ALL. This past week. Ridiculous.

There wasn't a single day this week that I didn't get a chance to spend time with someone who means so much to my heart. The week was full of family and friends and love and joy and laughter. Spirits of friends past, present, and exciting future were in abundance and I can seriously only thank the Lord. He knew what my heart needed and He provided like a flood in the desert. The social stagnancy that had been plaguing my heart was remedied in the best way. The word "Thanksgiving" truly doesn't even come close to the emotions flowing from all the hidden places of my heart.

Besides all the lovely things that have happened to me, this vast world we live in has been experiencing an immense amount of turmoil and social divide this week and I would like to address it.
            First of all, to the Brown family: my deepest condolences for a loss that has torn your hearts out. May peace be given to you and yours. Unless someone has been in your position, they will never understand and I am so sorry that this will seem like a hurt people try to pretend like they relate to. Although the efforts of so many have come to you in numbers that I could never even imagine trying to count, you will still feel alone in your suffering. And my sentiments go out to you and others in the world who will suffer these hurts and cry so many tears. I pray your heart rests in the hands of the almighty and that He provides your soul with a peace and shield of safety that no soul could ever understand. Know that my heart and my prayers are with you.
           Second of all, to the Wilson family: you never asked for mass chaos and never in your wildest dreams have you imagined this sort of upheaval would be a direct result of actions taken by one of your own. Your safety and your hearts are in my prayers tonight as I pen this letter. I cannot imagine your position. This could have happened to anyone, but it happened to you and I pray for peaceful thoughts and a shield to inhabit the area around your family as the angry people who rise up against you and threaten your family attempt to unleash beasts you've never imagined in your wildest dreams.

There, those deserved to be addressed first if I am to share any sort of opinion on the matter. The truth is this:unless some hidden camera from some hidden media present when the encounter took place, we will truly never know how everything took place, and that is a matter that stands alone in this entire endeavor. What we do know is that a life was lost and that is something that should never be diminished because of a "rap sheet." I am pouring into this entry from a heart that is in love with a Lord that erases fault and lifts high even those who have been in the lowest trenches. No amount of colorful back story is ever too much for Him. So stop with the "thug" talk. You're not doing any favors. What we need to realize is that there is a family that is hurting because they lost a heart that was dear to their own. And whether or not you want to subscribe to the same spiritual values that I hold dear, I would hope that you believe in absolute change being a possible thing and that you hold on to the hope that even the most absurd situations have the ability to turn around. I'm not arguing that the outcome was deserved or not based on what happened that day, what I am pleading for is for the masses of people who are using the word "thug" to justify death to stop. The more you perpetuate that hate (because that's exactly what it is,) the more you demoralize the people in this world who have an immense amount of potential. Wouldn't you hate being the reason someone didn't turn their life around? Your words and your ideals are powerful, understand that and move forward with graceful hearts that speak life into the hearts of those who may be in a rough place in life. It could be that all they need is for your encouraging sincerity to be genuinely spoken into their life. Make the choice that will resonate with positivity and hope.

As for the peaceful protesters, let them speak what is on their minds if they chose to do so in a manner that isn't harmful to others. Why? Well, why not? Maybe you don't agree with their protests, but maybe there's more to what they feel needs to be heard than just what happened to Michael Brown. The truth is, there really is a social divide and to speak for myself ... I would never understand some of the struggles that happen in certain societal arenas. Whether it be a community of a Hispanic majority or an Asian majority or an African American majority, there are things my heart has never experienced and therefor can't adequately relate to. But because of the beauty of America and the freedom it offers, I am free to demonstrate about the things dear to my heart in an effort to bring the attention of the masses to an issue that they may not see in their little corner of the world. The reality is that if it isn't your struggle, it's difficult to grasp it's impact and understand the depth of it's power. There's more that is being protested than the death of a citizen, and just because you don't understand doesn't mean you should extend your thoughts of disapproval. And FOR THE LORD'S SAKE, let the "Hey, while you're busy protesting, I'm paying your bills. How about you go get a job" talk stop RIGHT NOW. How pompous. You don't know the first thing about these people and their job situations and that blanket statement is more harmful than you will ever imagine. But I guess that's the nature of this beast, right? Because when you decide you've been dealt a hand that isn't fair and decide to stand up and fight it with your own peaceful protests, you will do it with the knowledge that opposition awaits. And you will forge on, regardless.

Now to the violent rioters who have done nothing but perpetuate an ideal that "thugs will be thugs" or "criminals will be criminals," I know that your heart has felt hurt before and I cannot seem to wrap my brain around the notion that you would want the rest of the world to feel pain even though they are innocent bystanders and have erected a business or a home or a church or parked their car in a zip code that you just so happen to be ready to destroy. My heart hurts so badly for these people who have been the victim of this violence. I would never wish for the same hurt to descend upon you and your family, but I do hope that at some point you are put nose to nose with the pain you have inflicted on your victim. Maybe you have been the victim of heartless police violence or indifference, and believe me I know it happens, but I beg you to please consider how much different the outcome would be if you simply chose to stand between violence and it's victim rather than further tighten the shackles that violence so unapologetically places on it's victims. You have the power to instate change. Will you use it for good? I pray you do.

Racial divides have been so furthered by this situation and it BREAKS my heart. Because here's some truth for you: I DO NOT CARE WHAT THE COLOR OF YOUR SKIN IS OR THE COLOR OF YOUR BACKGROUND, IF THERE IS AIR COMING IN AND OUT OF YOUR NOSE, YOU HAVE AS MUCH POTENTIAL AS THE NEXT PERSON TO GO OUT INTO THIS WORLD AND DO AMAZING THINGS. I am SO on a soapbox about this. Please know that the environment into which you entered this world is not the lot you have to stay in forever. Please, for your future's sake, don't buy into the victim mentality. You may be a soul born into a situation that is less than desirable, but I believe that you are only a victim of your situation if you label yourself as such. You might feel like you are being pushed back at every turn and for no other reason than the color of your skin or the length of your rap sheet, but I urge you to press on with all the power in your soul to be the positive change you want to see in this world. I believe with all my might that you are a child of the King and that He gifted you with specific "you" gifts that no one but you can use. I pray you find the strength to execute them in the face of all adversity and I pray you know that the power of the Almighty is with you. And understand that I know some of your reading this aren't believers in the same Christ that I adore and there will never come a time that I will force my beliefs down someones throat, but that doesn't change my prayer.

As I sat in worship this morning at Passion City Church, surrounded by individuals of five different ethnicities, I thought to myself, "This. This is what heaven will look like. All the people are God's people." Guys, it's time. It's time to stop letting the enemy in opposition of progress halt the wonders of what can be accomplished simply by placing blinders on us and making us think that we could never live in peace together.

My hope is that you heard nothing but grace come flowing forth from my heart as you read this, and that the entirety of this message lacked judgement. I hope it compels you to be mindful and instead of spewing hurtful opinions, you instead make a choice to put good things into the world. And I hope that when the time comes for you to take action, I hope you step forward in the direction of grace.

#30DaysOfThanks Days 21,22,23: "Gone away is the blue bird..."

It all started Friday. I was Rocky and I was in the ring with myself. One loose end after the other seemed to stare at me with eyes like shards of glass that sliced me with every effort I made to tie them. I looked in the mirror and thought to myself, "How ridiculous are you? Why can't you just get a system and stick to it and just be regimented and on a schedule and do all the things in a day that you should be able to do? You're so easily distracted by the insignificant things in life. Why can't you just keep your eyes on the prize??? SHEESH. Pull yourself together." Basically, I wanted to be super woman but what I saw in the mirror was a pitiful excuse for a 27 year old. I had all these ideals in front of me that I wanted to fulfill, but the wretched girl I saw in the mirror wanted to curl up into a ball and fall asleep and wake up when it was all over and somehow have experienced massive life change in my sleep. Ugth, AND ON A FRIDAY. Why??

I went home and penned this: "The main emotion I felt today was frustration and I felt it toward myself. But I know that today's irritability and mirror mumblings of "hey self, get your ish together" have served a larger purpose and that is this: Moving forward, I will work harder towards organization and structure in certain areas and vow not to beat myself up over a few "stray hairs," because self appreciation is what catapults us into the future ... not the belief that we aren't good enough."I had planned to blog about it that night but I somehow felt that I shouldn't because I felt that this story wasn't finished, and THAT made me want to cry even more. Instead, I made a to-do list for Saturday (in an effort to stitch this life together) and set out for a night under the stars in Odenville, Alabama with soup and a movie and a really lovely group of friends.

I cooked, we ate, we saw stars, we movie watched and then I drove home. I had been in bad need of that sort of chill around other people. Blue jeans and cowboy boots and giant sweatshirts and people who don't give a rip about what you look like, they just want you around. A lot of people in my life are this way, not just this group, but something about this place and these people soothed my spirit in a way that it otherwise was in unrest. I left that night and made the thirty minute drive home and discussed with myself what it was that was really going on in this heart.

 Expectation.

My own expectations based on the expectation of others. For example: sometimes, I really want to leave my dogs in the backyard because they make EVERY STEP I MAKE while they're inside and I can't get anything done. But I don't because I'm afraid the lady next door (who is really kind and keeps them for me for free when I am out of town) will judge me for "leaving those poor babies on the porch." I have reason to think that she would judge me for something like this because this is the same lady who called one night to ask if my dogs could just go ahead and live at her house. Don't worry, I put as much distance as possible between us at that point without ruining the relationship. I don't mean to be ugly about her, she's just home a lot and she's like the lady on Bewitched who stares through the blinds to see what's going on in the neighborhood. It's stressful thinking that your every move is being watched. I did, however, leave both dogs outside when I left the house several times this weekend and it was so nice to come home to a serene home where a giant lab wasn't busting down the door as soon as you walk in and the dingo in the crate in the corner wasn't barking and clawing to get out. I love them more than anything, but I feel about them the same way Carrie felt about Aiden living with her ... I just need my time when I first get home to gather my thoughts and finish the unfinished business from the day. It's just how my brain works. I'm not sorry about it and I've decided that I have to operate in ways that are conducive to a healthy life for Ryn, not the lady next door.

The more I thought about how rough Friday was, the more strange it became to me that I received the most wonderful complements from business partners and management leaders this week. People who I imagine to always have it together on a level I could never get to, reached out to me throughout the week to tell me how talented and well respected and highly thought of I was. "Who in the world are they looking at?," I thought to myself. "What do they see that I don't see?" People who I only WISH I could be as regimented as are the very same people who write texts of encouragement to me talking about how they think I'm such a "natural" and that they're so glad I am on their team. I wish I saw what they were so impressed with, I wish I could see me through their eyes of grace. But last Friday, my eyes were eyes of judgement and belittlement. I am so thankful that these wonderful people saw fit to grab hold of the wonderful things that they saw in me and tell me stories about what they see in me. Still in my mind all I'm doing is being Ryn and doing my job the best way that I know how. There will never be a day that I don't give this job 110% of myself because it's my passion to tell physicians about the amazing changes in medicine so that patients all over this little part of our giant world can experience the life change that comes along with it. The opportunity to impact lives is vast in my career, why would I EVER take that for granted?

 Saturday was very productive and I give all the glory to the to-do list I created Friday night before I went on my little country outing. I crossed off all the things on my list and felt more productive that I have in a while. I really don't know why I haven't felt productive, I saw 15 doctors on Friday. That's a lot of dang doctors. I got everything done that I needed to do and still somehow managed to go to a movie and then out with friends later in the evening. Saturday felt good, but I was still beating myself up for some strange reason and I couldn't wrap my brain around it. I needed liberation from my own self-doubt.

And then Sunday, lovely Sunday. I woke up in just enough time to make make-up and straighteners happen, threw on my boots, jeans, and a cute shirt and jacket and made the little drive to Church of the Highlands to meet my lovely friend and business partner. The series is "At the Movies" and today's movie was an edited version of "Captain Phillips." It was a real depiction of the enemy and the war he wages against our hearts and of what we can overcome because "We aren't fighting for victory, we are fighting FROM A PLACE OF victory." What a difference that makes. We were reminded this morning that the enemy is real and he's a giant jerk and he wants us as unhappy as he is and he fights tooth and nail what he doesn't like. There are some big things happening in my life right now and it wasn't until this morning that I realized that my spirit has been under attack this entire time. But think about that scheme ... he knows the opportunities at stake and he might even know what might happen if they come to fruition and since he can't really fight anything about the situation, why not attack the only thing that could really make this opportunity come to life in a very real way, my spirit? It was like the blind fold was lifted and I could see him for the ugly monster that he is and all the power in heaven was in me to press against him until he was completely out of the room. I opened my hands in prayer and as the pastor prayed over us, a warm pressure filled the palms of my hands so much so that I couldn't close them. It was surreal and so real at the same time. What a reminder that when our hearts are focused on the One who has already overcome, every battle we face against the evil schemes of the enemy can be easily won. And the more I thought about it the more I realized that He's been in my court this whole time, I just haven't been in His. My focus has been on things that I need to get better at and what I need to do to move forward, instead of consulting with the One who already holds my future in the palms of His hands.

Today was a beautiful day of liberation and it holds so much promise for the days ahead. What I hope you get from reading this is that other people deal with the same mirror mumblings as you and that the enemy attacks everyone, not just you. You aren't alone in the physical world, but you're also not only "not alone" in the spiritual world ... but moreover, you're cradled in the arms of a loving father who wants more than anything for you to succeed with all the gifts that He has bestowed upon you. He wants you to know that the weapon He offers against the nastiness of the enemy is really the only one that will ever be able to erode away at the devil's power. I want you to know that when it's time to rest in His goodness, you're allowed to. But when it comes time to suit up in the armor of the almighty, it's available to you and nothing can penetrate it. You are a loved person created with a purpose and I hope you leave this blog with the inspiration to overcome and I hope you stand strong in the knowledge that you are never alone.

#30DaysOfThanks Day 20: Maturity means ...

I had the most wonderful conversation today with a new friend. We were discussing life changes and what has come with them. There were more changes that had occurred than she had ever imagined and we were discussing how she had handled them. It was an involved conversation. 

We went over situation after situation and always brought the conversation back around to the positive. What's lovely about working through life's rough stuff isn't just the outcome, it's the process. What the process brings us is sometimes more valuable than the outcome. Through it, we learn so much with regard to ourselves and how we respond to life's challenges. We have the opportunity to develop our decision making, argument skills, and our discernment. 

With maturity comes the understanding that not every statement or action deserves a response. My friend and I chatted about this and she said something I'll never forget. "A lot of times when we respond to the inevitably mean and purposefully hurtful junk, it somehow validates it or condones it." ISN'T SHE BRILLIANT? 

Understand that you aren't required to respond to the mean and dirty things that people say. Don't give people the satisfaction of knowing that they got to you. Hold your head up with grace and dismiss evil like the insignificant thing that it is. You deserve a productive life and there will always be a force that works against you. But if you fight against the evil force with your dedication to live a grace filled life, you'll chip away at space it's (evil) allowed to fill in your heart.

Tell evil to take that fuss on the bus. #BYE